I’ve been found in the sheets of many. Magic or Tragic? You decide…
Morning lovelies! I dreamt that it was 10 am outside, when really it was 10 pm. Rubbish dream really, yet very telling. (Can anyone say, ‘Whack job!)
I’ve just this second, exchanged words with our dreamy gardener, ‘Robin’ (appropriate name.) Who funnily enough is so much hotter up close, than i ever imagined!! Not that i haven’t seen him up close. He’s just usually in the flower beds, poking at old over- grown bushes!! (Ooooh, it’s a dandy!) Anyway, he was at my kitchen door, whilst i was posing in my dressing gown, all rugged, blond, covered in soil and handsome, but unfortunately asking for £70. (How not very ‘Mills and Boon’ of him.)
Okay, so for the first time ever, ‘Robin’ used the ‘what isn’t being said’ moments to get a quick flirting session in…but with his eyes. (Thank God, i had my face on!! ) For some reason, i got really shy (probably because my dad was behind me, waving a walking stick in his face and scowling. He looked like an grumpy arsed Mr.Miyagi,) then my ‘not so shyness’ got the better of me, and i decided to tell him he was delicious, followed by odd, ’i'm thinking about sex’ faces, (even though i was thinking about tea.) I always do ‘good time’ faces, when i know boys are looking, even though i’m trying to pretend i don’t know they’re watching me. (Tramp alert!) Shut up! You all do it!! I don’t know anyone who doesn’t??? I’ll even have fake cell phone conversations with myself, if i don’t have anyone with me, to aid the ‘good time’ faces. It works…makes me look fun, busy and popular. Gives boys boners! (Yes, i am a Loser)
Anyway, i simply told him, i didn’t have £70 on me and with an exchange of winks, smiles and nods….i slammed the door in his face. Booyah!!! Wow! That was a short affair! Until the next time my Sweet! (Mwahahahahaha!) Robin’s actually the perfect little gent, yet i just keep imagining all the ‘Cougars’ he probably has to do the ‘naked hat dance’ with, in our ‘my husbands always away on work trips’ village. Poor soul! Bet he loves it! I can’t wait until i’m of ‘Cougar’ age.
‘YOU is Naaaaaaaaaaaaaasty!!’
Okay so i’m disturbed that ‘Arthur Fonzirelli’ is doing Panto (if you are american, it’s an all singing, all dancing, ‘jazz hands’ family play, with a few dirty jokes… done at Christmas time.) This man should be a LEGEND, and feeling up girls with pink ribbons and petticoats, at small american diners, not in green tights and lycra, being ‘Jack’ up his beanstalk, or Dick (bloody) Whittington!! Have you noticed how NOBODY actually knows the story to Dick Whittington (including myself) other than the fact that he had a chuffing CAT. Even the people in the actual pantomine, don’t even know the story!! I went to see it once in Leeds, and they burst into ’Like a Virgin’ half way through it. But saying that i’ve never seen Madonnas ‘Like a Virgin’ performed so wonderfully. (Other than the time i sang it via Kareoke, at a thai restuarant, and started dry humping random ‘didn’t want to be humped’ couples, whilst they squizzled in their lemon-grassed noodles. They turned my microphone off, then threw me, my ego and anyone with me…. out!!)
So yeah, ‘The Fonz,’ (not even as ‘The Fonz,’) is going to be all ‘tickle my penis camp’, and have to listen to over-excited kiddies of England (including myself) screaming ‘He’s FUCKING behind Yoooooooooooooou!!’ I LOVE IT!! Had an arguement with Latin lover last night. It’s love.
Where’s my tea??
Randomest story ever! So a friend of mine, who’s not really my friend, yet due to a social networking site, and a handsome (looks like he could party like a champion and score all the girls) face…is now my friend. Anyway, we often IM, and gossip about our careers etc…and if we were ever in the same place at the same time, we would definitely, maybe, be drinking buddies…but only in LA! I’ll call him ‘Canada.’
Anyway, i’m misting through all my junk facebook messages, full of ‘Chrissie i have 9 inches’ or ‘I want your boobs…’ (in places that my boobs should and will never be,) and luckily i get saved by a sudden Instant Message from ‘Canada,’ who’s partying in Israel right now.
‘Canada’ is randomly walking around a beach in good old Israel, all hungover and probably dreamy and oddly bumps into some bloke, who just so happens to be from England. (God save the Queen!) Don’t know how or anything, but after the nods and smiles, they get onto the subject of Me… ( I guess because the bloke was English, and i’m one of the only English people ‘Canada’ knows, so he brought me up. Bizarro? But true!)
Random English bloke on the beach says, ‘Yeah, i know who you mean. That girl with the blog, on the internet, with those pictures, who’s just done some show. Yeah, Chrissie Wunna.’ Canada is astonished, and therefore reports the story to me immediatly, where he gets shunned for being a liar, by my better judgement….however and as always my better judgement ended up being wrong.
So my ego’s kicked in, and the story has absorbed now, and yeah, it’s just dawned on me that two young men, from two completely different parts of the world, (England & Canada,) both drunk, in a country as random as Israel, on an empty beach, randomly bump into each other and have a whole conversation about this girl called Chrissie Wunna, (who just so happens to me ME ) and like they were my best friends!! LOVE IT!!!
And that my darlings, is the power of a boob job, an over opinionated mind and a daily blog bitches!! I really am taking over the world. I need new shoes! Told you… (God, i’m such an egotistical twat!) Where’s my burning chariot and funny hat, so i can do a VICTORY dance!!!
Morning Champs! Just found this in the archives of piccies. It’s random, but it really is the place you go before you enter Heaven!! (Trust me i’ve wronged soooo much, i’ve been here a million times.) God forces you down the top shelf, then tries to make you tell the truth. If you fail miserably, you just get sent back. You longer need to fear death. You just need to hone your drinking skills. And you know longer need to fear the wrath of God……he’s wasted!
Feeling SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fantastic this morning. The sun is a shining, the birds are a chirping and last night i dreamt of sexual liasons, in the toilet of my parents first house with Barack Obama. (haha) God knows why?? It got really dirty too, yet in the end turned into pure comedy. I remember having to rush to have a bath, due to messy squirting (hahahaha) and not by ME! (hahahaha) Disgusting, yet sooo funny i woke up laughing my head off!! It went everywhere. His face was all panicky! (hahah)
It’s such a lovely day, that i’m getting ready to strutt off on a walk around the village. I actually can’t believe how sunny it is! Delicious! I feel a great day coming on. I’ve a smile on my face, and i’ve just managed to make a paper airplane out of a single slice of crustless bread, smeared with butter. It flew it’s way straight into the bin. I’m aware that thats highly wasteful…but only just this second aware. So i need to think about it a little more. Time for the naughty step!! Spank me daddy!
Anyway, i’ve really got to go and enjoy my day. I really do hope you have a wonderful one, full of winks, smiles and tingles. I love you all… (not really)
Kisses,
Chrissie Wunna
It’s 33 minutes until midnight, so i better hurry up and write this before my carriage turns into a pumpkin or whatever, and i leave glass shoes at random horny Prince’s balls. I love a good happy ending. (She sniggers) Me no likey, love you longtime! (Ugg-ugg, all done!) I’m currently watching ‘Celebrity Juice. Hilarious!! I’ve so far learnt that Madonna apparently looks like a dog chew. There’s no better job in the world, than having one where you can be inappropriately hilarious, and for no other reason than entertainment! I think i’m getting the flu?
Anyway, i’ve just got off the phone to someone in LA that i haven’t spoken to in almost a year. He’s a very stylish, black, gay, flamboyant Queen, who chases after straight mans penis. He would always turn up to the appartment with a massive bottle of bacardi, a smile and an attitude problem. It’s a good way to make friends. He always tries to out PIMP me, to the point where one time we were in a bar doing splits on a pool table trying to ‘out slut each other’ to impress boys., I love him! (Well Sometimes. I mean i didn’t really help him when my boyfriend had whipped him with his own belt, slam dunked him, slung him around the room a few times, and made him cry after a chinese burn.) Anyhow, i’ve been gone for ages, and i can’t wait to get back there. I miss it sooo much. Why? Well because he said this:
‘Hey it’s Mariah, (he calls himself different Diva names..haha) I miss you Titty Bradshaw, with ya too tight, too short dress. I just saw your new pictures, movie star. Heard about your nip/tuck, can’t wait to see the premiere of it, doll face!!’ (Followed by cheering, and hip hop music.)
I miss LA! It sent a tingle of excitement up my spine. Only there can you get called ‘Titty Bradshaw,’ and be proudly applauded and missed for it! But anyway my life is so good right now. My career is booming, my love life is divine ( not as in the hooker who blew Hugh,) and i couldn’t really ask for anything more. I’ll be back in LA soon, so there’s no need to worry. I just have a few more fishies to fry out here in the Motherland. Maybe a few more ego’s to tackle, a few more hearts to break, a few more winks and wiggles??
Oh my God, i’m watching Kelly Osbourne, turning Japanese, in a place called the ‘Love Hotel,’ where one can buy a Pot Noodle and a Dildo on the exact same menu. There are japanese people ordering giant transparent prickly dildos, with a beer and a bowl of fucking noodles, (hahaha) whilst having sex in what looks like a George Jetson space shuttle bed. Fairy lights and everything!! I need to go there! But saying that it would be a bit odd, me spinning around on a space shuttle bed, (it moves) with a coke, pot noodle, my hair in pigtails and a face of sheer fear, whilst i waited to be buggered by a random paying Japanese mister…..with a fucking prickly didlo, that lights up and plays ‘ku fu f(ucking) fighting’!!! What every happened to just bringing a bundle of carnations!! (hahahahaha) Too funny!
Night!
This is just a wee snap shot of me, taken in LA by a matey who fancied himself as a photog. I think he was a bit stoned actually and i think i was a bit unimpressed..(Fyi/ i don’t like stoners!!) A great guy, with a rubbish love life, and well if he can convince a girl to stand around his appartment in a bra and his clothes, then no doubt he’ll be able to find some random hussy to fancy him in the end. (hahah) His appartment is a converted brothel….really it is. I LOVE that! It has the ghosts of real life ‘good time’ girls from way back when floating around.